Progressive Programmer

Progressive Politics or idle geek banter. What's on my mind when I'm irked, intrigued, bored or up too late.

Location: Michigan, United States


Mediata Americanata and Limbaughanus Hannitidiotus

Beasts thought extinct for the last 4 years are being spotted on a regular basis. I'm speaking, of course, of Mediata Americanata. These once vicious beasts are known to dine most heartily on scandal, but forced experimental mutation prior to the 2000 election caused them to go numb with Biasophobia, allowing a formerly balanced ecosystem to shift wildly from its natural state.

As signs of an all-but-lost species' recovery waft past the White House, the EPA is expected to redact much of its upcoming report on the subject, choosing language more friendly to the political leanings of current leadership. Scientists warn this could allow the Limbaughanus Hannitidiotus to push back against the recovery of the Mediata, once again ensuring our citizenry can maintain its shift-sustaining ignorance of current events, leaving the ecological pendulum dangling dangerously to the right.

Since the Mediata crave meals of blood and scandal more than all else--save their fondness of scavenging for flesh from the carcasses of wounded politicians--the gods worshipped by Limbaughanus Hannitidiotus run the danger of catalyzing their own flock's demise, leaving giant feasts within reach of the resurgent Mediata population's gaping maw.

Just two scandals were enough to mitigate the rise of the Limbaughanus Hannitidiotus--at the expense of the Limbaughanus' chief competitor, the Mooreabolis Algoritia--as the Mediata dined on the scandalous feasts provided by Clenis Arkansata in the late 1990s. But those two scandals pale when compared to the growing list of delicacies offered up by the Limbaughanus' chosen god: Bush, his apostles the Neocons, and their ruthless minions, known commonly as the GOP.

Unfortunately for the Mediata, they suffer from an undesirable trait that makes them virtually incapable of sustaining multiple trains of thought. If the number of scandals grows so large as to offer them a number of desirable meals, they tend to convulse in confusion, curl into a fetal position and drop into a spontaneous hibernation that can last an entire election cycle.

Were the Mediata to find suitable purchase in just one of the major meals available, the Limbaughanus Hannitidiotus may be forced to choose an option anathema to their core belief system. Limbaughanus' only choice would be to sacrifice their love of their own god, Bush, and call his work itself blasphemous. This could spawn an immaculately conceived scandal that would feed the Mediata for years, enabling Limbaughanus to retreat and regroup, establish a new survival strategy, and consider a tentative truce with another competitor, Kosicus Maherius Frankenicia.

Limbaughanus would likely return to sustainable numbers, while Kosicus Maherius populations would rise. Eventually the population ratio would be such that Mediata could no longer feast purely on Limbaughanus scandals, but would also dine on scandals erupting from the Kosicus Maherius species.

Ironic, that to guarantee its long-term survival, the Limbaughanus would need to forgo short-term dominance. Experts don't believe the Limbaughanus to be genetically capable of such forethought. Considering the well-being of their own future generations is an ability the Limbaughanus lost several generations ago. Scientists now expect the Limbaughanus to continue to dominate in the short-term, before their own god hastens their eventual extinction.

I'm not liberal, I'm just paying attention


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