Progressive Programmer

Progressive Politics or idle geek banter. What's on my mind when I'm irked, intrigued, bored or up too late.

Location: Michigan, United States


The 2008 conventions through the simple math of 2 plus 2

What if the future of the country were always described by answering the question, 'What is 2+2?' Democrats know the answer is 4. Republicans know the answer is 4 but always lie and answer 5 so they can profit off the backs of the American people.

So, given our premise, here is a summary of several 2008 convention speeches from both sides of the aisle...

Brian Schweitzer
I've seen 4s and 5s working together in Montana, and that has Montana kicking butt, and that's what Obama would do in Washington. The math is simple. Obama wants to use everything we've got to get to 4, while McCain doesn't remember on which of his 7 fridges he pinned the cue-card with the answer.

John Kerry
We know Candidate McCain is just like Bush. Never has ideology so stepped on mathematics. *Senator* McCain has said that the answer was 4. Now, *Candidate* McCain says the answer is 5. I've known John McCain for 22 years. 22, that's 2 plus 2, baby. He's not the McCain we all thought he was.

Hillary Clinton
You didn't support me all those months just to have John McCain give you the wrong answer, did you? No way, no how, no 5.

Bill Clinton
I prefer to have numeric relations... with that man... Barack Obama.

Joe Biden
My mother told me to sock the 2 in the eye when it messed with me, and ever since then I've been working to find the answer, and I finally did after 30+ years in the Senate working for you. Again and again, John McCain says 5 and Barack Obama says 4. McCain can't remember how many houses he has, much less the answer this country needs. Barack Obama knows the answer!

Barack Obama
I think John McCain is a patriot. It's not that John McCain doesn't know the answer is 4. He just doesn't get it. We've seen that he's said '5' 90% of the times George Bush has. I don't wanna take a 10% chance on 4, do you?

Obama accomplished all of the assignments we gave him. Brilliant! 4 is clearly the answer the American people are looking for. What a contest! Onward, to November!

Fred Thompson
In John McCain's world, the first '2' is a fellow POW with blisters under it's arch the size of '0's. *cough*. The other is only hunched over because it lived in a tiny POW cell with low-ceilings for 5 years. In fact, the second 2 is really a 1 that's all hunched over *ahem* and had its leg broken... Broken by Vietnamese captors that used enhanced interrogation techniques--techniques that really just serve to improve one's character *cough* and ready them to be president *ahem* while not causing organ failure or death. John McCain was a POW and doesn't want anyone to talk about how much of a POW he was because being a POW doesn't automatically qualify a POW to become a President and former POW. John McCain has been saying '5' since before the attack on Pearl Harbor, hell John McCain *WAS* 5 before Pearl Harbor.

George W Bush
The angry left will tell you the answer is 4. I know the answer is 5. Of course I know the answer is 5, it's part of the president's job to know the answer is 5, and I take my responsibility as Commander-in-Chief very seriously. John McCain sometimes disagrees with me just to spite, though. He'll say the answer is 4.9, or 4.8, and, for a while there, he almost convinced me. But now I like John McCain so much I had all the 4s removed from the phones in the White House. That made it harder for us to call into the convention tonight, but I'm sure the McCain campaign is glad I did. I wanted to be here so I could remind everyone how much McCain and I have worked together. The world is a dangeriffic place in which we need the most couragic and intelligious candidate we can find.

Mitt Romney
Do you really want a liberal 2 to meet up with another liberal 2? No, of course you don't. You want John McCain to kick all liberal numbers in the teeth and replace them with fine, upstanding, trickle-down, Republican numbers that don't eat liberal cheese or ride liberal trains.

Mike Huckabee
I learned the answer was 5 on the desk that John McCain built for me. He built that desk in the basement of a church he constructed using only one arm, some mortar he mixed from his spittle and bricks that he himself shat.

Rudy Giuliani
Community organizers give cosmopolitan answers like '4' to questions like this. Strong leaders and mayors bring us to victory by answering '9/11'... err.. '5'.

Sarah Palin
I know the answer. I learned the answer as an executive when I led the executive office of the executive-filled town of Wasilla, Alaska. I have shown my strong belief in the answer by 'choosing' to have *5* children! Their names are 5rack, 5ristol, 5illow, 5i5er and, now, 5rig (*5rig is shown being passed among 5 different people, each tracing a symbolic '5' on 5rigs forehead). Don't talk about my children and stop bringing them up. I have more experience than Obama, Biden and McCain put together. Community Organizing? Ha! What does that even mean, 'community'? Community is for wimps. Organizing is for liberal elites that like being organized. Organized communities are for elite liberal wimps. All legislative experience is for wimps that aren't executives.

John McCain

McCain accomplished all of the assignments we gave him. Brilliant! 5 is clearly the answer the American people are looking for. What a contest! Onward, to November!

I'm not liberal, I'm just paying attention